That Time Spider-Man Taught the Beyonder to Use the Bathroom

With the third solo film of this particular iteration of Spider-Man now in theaters, there is likely no shortage of online articles and posts about the stories that influenced the film, the wall-crawler's history and the greatest stories in which he's featured. So why add another?

In the tradition of Black Widow finding an Infinity stone in a toilet or Hawkeye joining the JLA, I thought we could explore one of the more unique strands in Spidey's epic web: the time he taught a cosmic being a little about what it's like to be human. And by that I mean: how to use the bathroom.

This moment that I'm reasonably confident won't be featured in “Spider-Man: No Way Home” appeared in 1985's “Secret Wars II” #2, written by Jim Shooter and drawn by Al Milgrom.

In “Secret Wars,” the company-wide crossover that wrapped a few months prior, an omnipotent entity known as the Beyonder forced Marvel heroes and villains to duke it out on a patchwork planet called Battleworld. That series led to changes like She-Hulk joining the Fantastic Four and Spider-Man getting a black costume that turned out to be Tom Hardy.

But when the Beyonder came to Earth, we got a Spidey moment that was almost as pivotal, or at least much weirder. In issue 2, the Beyonder decides the best way to learn about being human is to just become one. He figures everybody likes Captain America, so that's who he should try to look like (an astute observation even before Chris Evans was cast).

As the be-all, end-all in his own realm, the One From Beyond is unfamiliar with human activities like eating, wearing clothing or spending money. His efforts to understand these concepts lead to awkward moments like biting into a glass bottle and wandering through a clothing store after a rioter smashes its window with a brick. A frustrated store employee suggests the stranger ask a friend to answer these questions, so the Beyonder uses his cosmic powers to track down someone he knows.

That happens to be Peter Parker, who is taken aback when a blond stranger in a unitard starts peppering him with questions like “Why is clothing?” But when he changes into his Spider-Man costume, the Beyonder goes invisibile and, also not understanding the concept of boundaries, follows him home.

After some more awkward exchanges, Peter puzzles out who his uninvited guest really is and suggests he pose his questions to a bigger brain, like Reed Richards. But with a decent apartment comes a modicum of responsibility, so Peter tries to be a good host, offering the Beyonder something to eat or drink. He asks if that wil “relieve this strange pressure – this fullness I feel in my lower abdomen?”

It might not trip his signature power, but that undoubtedly gets Spider-Man's awkward sense tingling. Still, Peter Parker is not the kind of guy to ignore a stranger in need. So...

Feeling refreshed, and no doubt lighter, the Beyonder goes off in search of Richards, who, along with the rest of the Fantastic Four, is dealing with the dual threat of the Hate Monger and Psycho Man.

Having his wife turned into a leather-clad villainess named Malice finally draws even Mr. Fantastic's attention away from the wandering cosmic force, so the Beyonder continues his quest for knowledge with the assistance of a homeless lady (who actually has an asterisk-marked previous appearance in Marvel Fanfare #20) and the Heroes for Hire, Power Man and Iron Fist. The duo offer him dueling perspectives on the meaning of life and a confused Beyonder pays them for their services by turning their office building into gold.

I didn't read “Secret Wars II” when it came out but picked it up years later at Snooper's antique mall, the same place I would later find “Nightstalkers” #2. As one of the first event series I bought in one big chunk, it's always had a special place in my memory. I don't think it's looked back on very fondly, but it had some odd, memorable moments, even beyond Spider-Man potty-training a cosmic being.