Bleep Thoughts

I don't know that I had a lot of expectations going into “DC League of Super-Pets,” but a swearing turtle was not among them.

Merton, who (minor spoilers) gains super speed and takes on the codename Shell on Wheels, is voiced by Natasha Lyonne and utters a couple instances of profanity that, despite coming in a PG-rated children's movie, didn't bother me – because they were bleeped. It was so absurd, this visually challenged, fairly laid-back turtle (or is it tortoise?) just blurting out the occasional inappropriate word.

Maybe this would surprise Mark Radulich, who has been kind and patient enough to welcome me as a guest on some of his podcasts. When I share them on social media, I often tag them with “some language” because Mark's word choices are at times more, shall we say, colorful than mine. He's also been kind enough to tone it down on shows I've been on. He and I view certain words differently.

It's not like I've never sworn before, but I find it unnecessary, in part because of my upbringing and in part because there are other words. I mean, if you crack an off-color joke among friends who won't be offended, that's your business and on your conscience, but loudly firing off all manner of four-letter-dialogue in mixed company, possibly making other people uncomfortable – where's the upside?

Language.

Plus, there's the Biblical admonition to “not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). That informs my world view, though it's a goal of which I know I frequently fall short.

Alas, a lot of movie-makers seem to feel these words are necessary. And some people apparently find it entertaining, sometimes moreso than anything else in a film. I remember watching “The Blair Witch Project” in a theater and hearing some people complaining the ending made no sense as we were leaving the theater. I'm pretty sure they were the ones laughing so hard anytime somebody swore (which the characters in “Blair Witch” did a lot) that they missed the seemingly innocuous lines that explained it.

Sometimes these words are scattered in among the dialogue; sometimes it sounds like non-curse words are sprinkled in amidst a sea of profanity.

I'd like to say I turn the latter ones off, but heaven help me, “The Big Lebowski” is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. I argue the movie would still be hilarious if its dialogue was all PG. But it isn't, which made seeing it on a non-premium cable channel years ago pretty surprising.

As much as I dislike profanity, I'm not a fan of the way movies were edited to remove it when they aired on TV – back when TV networks seemed to care about that sort of thing. A lot of what I watch now is streaming, where there isn't much, if any, editing, just a content advisory to let you know what to expect.

“The Big Lebowski” has a memorable, not-suitable-for-work scene in which John Goodman repeats a regrettable line of dialogue while bashing a car with a crowbar. In the TV version, he repeatedly shouts, “This is what happens when you have fun with a stranger in the Alps!” Definitely less vulgar; also makes zero sense.

In “The Usual Suspects,” another great film in spite of its language, the characters are put in a lineup and asked to read a vulgar phrase the suspect in a robbery uttered. On TV, you heard them repeating, “Gimme the keys, ya fairy godmother!” Better than the original from a taste standpoint, but it kind of takes you out of the movie.

I remember watching movies on NBC like “The Hard Way,” as Michael J. Fox angrily drove and pounded the steering wheel, shouting, “Slug in a ditch! That slug in a ditch!” Or William Baldwin turning on Kurt Russell* at a hospital in “Backdraft” and snarling “Forget it, you!” in a scene where there was no context for that phrase.

At least in those cases, it was obvious this wasn't the original dialogue. I remember the rude awakening I got when I watched “Smokey and the Bandit” on DVD instead of the VHS tape on which I'd recorded it from TBS year before. Turns out, Sheriff Buford T. Justice doesn't call Burt Reynolds and company “scum bums” over and over. In the original, it was “sumb****.”

I prefer scum bum.** I've used scum bum. I still do.

The sheriff didn't look kindly on other people swearing though.

As much as I wish certain content wasn't in movies (and TV shows and comic books), I like knowing the original substance of a project. I remember watching “Batman Returns” on network TV and being surprised at some of the material they kept in and some of what they removed, apparently more for time than anything else. It made me wonder what else was different about the movies I watched in edited formats.

Addressing language is easier in comic books with the use of symbols. You see that someone's swearing; you choose how it “sounds” in your head.

In movies, it's harder. Some people might argue it's realistic for characters to swear, and I can't say they're entirely wrong. But I can also say I've never come out of a movie going, “Man, why didn't they cuss more?” I do greatly appreciate Nicolas Cage's Stanley Goodspeed in “The Rock,” a man who would not swear under any circumstances and came up with a wealth of euphemisms to avoid doing so. (Personal favorite: “How in the name of Zeus' almighty butthole did you get out of your cell?”)

Is bleeping the answer? It worked in “DC League of Super-Pets.” I was more irritated by the references to Lois Lane spending the night at Superman's apartment. Have your own opinions about Superman and Lois' extra-curricular activities, but why was that necessary in a children's movie?

Bleeping might be the closest thing to &^$@&% in an audio form. I for one find the bleeped version of The Lonely Island's “I'm On a Boat” infinitely funnier than the unedited version. It's not the specific words that are funny; it's the fact that someone is getting that worked up about so mundane an activity.

But bleeping wouldn't really work in a lot of contexts. So my vote is other words.

Darn it.

* - Or vice versa. It's been a while.

** - It's also better than slug in a ditch.