Comic Book New Year's Resolutions for 2023

Batman and Robin may be able to defeat Calendar Man, but none of us can stop the march of time, as 2022 gives way to 2023.

OK, now that I've justified using this cover from Batman #384, drawn by Paris Cullins and inked by Robert Allen Smith, let's discuss the real reason I've called you all here: New Year's resolutions. I don't make a lot of them, because I really don't need to improve.

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Anybody who knows me either immediately recognized that as a joke or pulled a muscle rolling their eyes or perhaps even damaged the device on which they're reading this after throwing it. If you're in that last category, I'm sorry, but I can't take responsibility for it. You really should control your emotions better. Perhaps that would make a good New Year's resolution?

I'd like to think the reason I don't make resolutions is because I want to do things better whenever the need arises, rather than set an artificial starting or ending point. More likely it's because I don't think about it until too late or am not as organized as I should be.*

I could have been spending time thinking about resolutions for myself in recent weeks, but instead I've been coming up with ideas for various comic book characters.** It's something I did for several years at a publication for which I write, but the schedule changed a bit and now I've moved it over here. I was tempted to just recycle some of my favorites from years past, but these are all new and all different, unless I accidentally recycled something.

You can check out some past editions here and share your own suggestions for how comic book characters can improve their lives in the comments.

Doctor Druid – Recruit some new pawns – er, allies – for a Secret Defenders reboot.

Adam Strange – Get my doctorate.

She-Hulk – Make sure season 2 of my Disney+ show is deadly serious, like roughly 8% of my comic book appearances. (For example, issue 12, cover by Steve Leialoha.)

Solomon Grundy – Write some new poetry.

Thanos – Sue Marvel Snap for copyright infringement.

Savant – Now that James Gunn is in charge of DC movies, prepare for a Yondu-like rocket ride to fame.

Professor X – Get Beast to take a break from his descent into Machiavellian villainy long enough to add eye holes to the Cerebro helmet. (Art by Pepe Larraz from House of X #1)

Aquaman – Workshop new catch phrases. I'm not sure “Things just got fishy” is going to cut it.

Lockjaw – Convince Jeff the Land Shark to start the West Coast Pet Avengers.

Batgirl – Return to Congress*** so I can change the laws that allow lucrative tax breaks for canceling nearly completed movies.

Badrock – Now that Spawn and Batman crossed over again, call Wolverine to see if we can team up for old times' sake!

Cover by Rob Liefeld, inked by Jonathan Sibal

Howard the Duck – Get a new agent! I'm not in Marvel Snap, but Hell Cow is?!?

Bishop – Don't tell my fellow Marauders and war captains that I already know when they break their resolutions.

Harley Quinn – Put my psychiatrist's hat back on and offer Crisis counseling to our movie counterparts.

Blob – Produce my autobiographical screenplay, “The Unbearable Talent of Massive Weight.”

* - Perhaps “get more organized” would be a good New Year's resolution.

** - Or “Spend more time thinking about the real world than fictional ones.”

*** - Or, if Barbara Gordon's political career was wiped out in one Crisis or another, “Get elected to Congress...”