Comic Book Resolutions for 2024

Many comic book characters operate in perpetuity, meaning that while the rest of us go from excitedly snatching new comics off the spinner racks or store shelves to shaking our fists at how comics were better back in our day and demanding that Riri Williams get off our lawns, they’re adapting to the times and staying relatively young.

But that doesn’t mean there’s not room for improvement, even if the sliding time scales of many comic universes make it hard to tell exactly where on the calendar certain events are taking place. For example, there have been three “annual” Hellfire Galas in the X-Men books, but, based on Marvel time, Krakoa’s only been a nation for, what, six months?*

But the clock is ticking down on 2023 here on Earth 33, and that means it’s time to see what various and sundry comic book characters could or should be doing to improve themselves, whatever time of year it may be.

Ka-Zar - Hire a new publicist. The way Jason Aaron wrote me in his Avengers run, I'm a Black Panther- or Batman-level superhero, not Store Brand Tarzan!

Aquaman - Get Lobo to stay away from Momoa!

Darkhawk - Join forces with Korg and Rockslide to form a stellar team, just like in Marvel Snap!

Dr. Fate - Develop a spell to get rid of helmet hair.

Thor - Prove I’m worthy to team up with MC Hammer. Verily, ‘twould be too legit to quit.

Sandman** - Stop drooling over Melana long enough to fight evil.

Professor X - Task X-Corp to deal with Elon Musk’s blatant copyright infringement and, frankly, mutant cultural appropriation on the site formerly known as Twitter.

The Flash - Run fast enough to save the DCEU and Arrowverse without getting killed by the Anti-Monitor.

SuperPro - Hire Matt Murdock, Jennifer Walters or maybe even a real lawyer to get my rights untangled and put me back in the pages of comics to deal with issues like the expansion of gambling, concussions and NIL. Maybe a Taylor Swift guest appearance?

Etrigan - I must first seek absolution for breaking this year's resolution. It seems I proved myself a liar when I said I’d set less things on fire.

Michelangelo - Get our comic crossover made canon in season 5 of “Stranger Things.”

Ms. Marvel - Reveal that in addition to an Inhuman and a mutant, I've also always been a Skrull, an Eternal and a Norse goddess.

Superman - Get the contract signed before doing mid-credits cameos.

Jennifer Kale - ALWAYS put the lid back on the peanut butter.

Prez - Get back on the ballot.

* - To be fair, I did not do the math.

** - Just Imagine Stan Lee version.