“Transformers” (2007)
Starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh
Duhamel,Tyrese Gibson, Peter Cullen
Directed by Michael Bay
Screenplay by Roberto Orci and Alex
Kurtzman; story by John Rogers and Orci and Kurtzman
Rated PG-13 for intense
sequences of sci-fi action violence, brief sexual humor and language
Before I get to what I got hung up on in the first live-action “Transformers” movie, I need to confess that I know very little about Transformers in general.
I don't think the cartoon was ever readily available when I was growing up. I believe I had exactly two Transformer toys: little ones that turned into cassette tapes. The Decepticon was a pretty standard-looking robot with a rectangular torso. The Autobot was a triceratops.
I had a couple of Gobots, too. I didn't even know until reading a Twisted Toyfare Theatre story in high school or college that Gobots were generally looked down on by Transformers fans. To me, they were just two brands of robots that turned into vehicles, Gobots and Transformers, like Chevy and Ford or Coke and Pepsi. The Gobots might have had the edge because one of them turned into a UFO.
It was not because Steve Ditko, co-creator of Marvel's greatest heroes, provided the art on the Gobots book I had. I didn't discover that until a few years ago. I actually had more Transformers books. I knew who Optimus Prime was, and I'd heard of Bumblebee, but I had more stuff featuring Kup and Hot Rod.
And, if all this hasn't already destroyed my credibility with you, I'll also confess that the 2007 movie was the first Transformers movie I saw. I have not seen the 1986 animated movie that my pal Nathan assures me is an absolute classic. He would be even more dismayed by this fact if he wasn't also aghast at just how little “Rocky” I've watched.
While the prospect of seeing giant robots based on toys taken at least semi-seriously on the big screen held some appeal, the main draw of this movie to me was Michael Bay. Perhaps you're rolling your eyes or sighing or otherwise indicating disrespect for the man, but “The Rock” and “Armageddon” are two of my favorite movies, and even though that has no bearing on this or any of his other films, I feel the need to defend them specifically whenever anyone criticizes Bay's other work.
“Transformers” starts out very Bay-esque, with a lengthy setup that takes perhaps more time than it needs but gives you a world that feels lived in and a plethora of characters you start to warm up to. Bay and the screenwriters don't beat you over the head with an army of giant robots. The introduction to the first one, a helicopter with a scorpion-bot on his back whose name is escaping me,** happens with tension building slowly as you briefly get to know soldiers Not Timothy Olyphant (Duhamel) and Tyrese (Gibson), whose character names I also didn't remember. But by the time the Decepticopter blows their base in Qatar to smithereens, I felt bad that Not Raylan Givens might not get home to meet his baby girl.
From there we meet Sam Witwicky (LaBoeuf) and his unrequited crush Mikaela (Fox). I was going to make a remark about her being the special effect that drew the most attention in the movie, but she's playing a high school junior and even though she was technically an adult then, it still feels weird – as does the suggestive soundtrack Bumblebee plays when they're in, well, him, together.
Even when the vehicles start transforming into robots, the visual effects blend in well and make them feel gritty and real. As the story unfolded and the Decepticons' efforts to find the all-powerful MacGuffin known as the All-Spark brought the world to the brink of war, I was invested. The filmmakers even addressed my top question going into the movie – why are alien super robots compatible with Earth machinery? – by showing that the Autobots arriving on Earth mimicked vehicles they encountered and most of our modern technology was reverse-engineered from Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving, FYI) after he crash-landed on Earth in the '20s.
The cast was generally entertaining, even if it seems a bit excessive to have Bernie Mac appear in one scene as a used car salesman. I could have done without Sam's parents getting really personal when asking him what he was doing in his room with the door locked, but I was on board. Even the body count not consisting of a single named character until some Transformers*** get dropped later in the film wasn't annoying me like such anonymous, bloodless massacres normally do. Add in the fact that Anthony Anderson was sporting a Washington Redskins Clinton Portis jersey while an impossibly attractive hacker (Rachael Taylor) was asking him for help deciphering alien code, and I was along for the ride.
But then, everybody's preparing for a showdown, Decepticons are revealing themselves, Sam and Not Olyphant have convinced the shadowy and not-so-shadowy government types that Bumblebee's on their side, and they know they've got to keep the All-Spark away from Megatron, who is rapidly thawing out from his cryogenic slumber. And that's when Capt. Not from Justified comes up with his plan: Let's have a showdown with the giant killer robots in a heavily populated city.
Rewatching the movie, I was thinking maybe I remembered it wrong. Maybe there was a better reason that the climax takes place where it does. But no. Here's the dialogue, as they're gearing up in the bowels of the Hoover Dam, which was the complex built to hide and study Megatron.
Secretary of Defense Jon Voight: “Good! Right.”
Excuse me?!?!?
Look, a fight in a city is going to be more dramatic and visually appealing than Decepticons chasing soldiers through a desert. That whole sequence where Mikaela drags Bumblebee along behind a tow truck because his legs got blown off is a lot cooler than, say, robots slinging cacti at each other. But couldn't we find a way to make that happen in the course of the story? Like maybe there's a decommissioned bomb shelter just on the other side of the city and they've got to try to get there before the bad 'bots but they don't make it in time?
More nameless people are dying as the Decepticons topple buildings and the All-Spark accidentally starts bringing vending machines and xBoxes to life to do their best “Maximum Overdrive” impressions. I'd like to give Duhamelyphant the benefit of the doubt but it was his plan – a plan that somehow later includes calling in an airstrike in the middle of the city – that made it all happen.
I know I'm perhaps asking for too much logic in a movie about giant alien robots that turn into cars and whatnot. And maybe if I had been more immersed in the original TV series, having Cullen back voicing Optimus Prime and company would have smoothed it over even more.
But that's what I remember most about “Transformers.” I decided to give them another chance with “Revenge of the Fallen,” but I enjoyed that even less. They weren't going to get me to buy a ticket again, but, sure, I watched “Dark of the Moon” at home. And just when I had finally decided, OK, this franchise isn't working for me, they introduce the Dinobots. Robots changing into cars is one thing, but if you think I can turn my back on robots that turn into dinosaurs just because of diminishing returns on the first three movies, well, you overestimate my willpower.
I enjoyed “Age of Extinction” even less than the third. And still, I watched “The Last Knight.”
That one wasn't great, but it broke the streak and was an improvement over the fourth. Then came “Bumblebee,” about which I heard almost universally good things. But somehow that's where I stopped on the “Transformers” movies. Why? I'm not sure. It doesn't make a lot of sense.
But it makes more sense than driving through 22 miles of desert to have a showdown with giant killer robots in the middle of a heavily populated city.
* - Squirrel Girl.
** Google says Blackout.
*** - Including one voiced by … Eddie from “Family Matters”?!?
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