Dollar Tree Cinema: The House

“The House” (2017)
Starring Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler, Jason Mantzoukas, Nick Kroll
Directed by Andrew Jay Cohen
Written by Brendan O'Brien and Cohen
Rated R for language throughout, sexual references, drug use, some violence and brief nudity.

“The House” is the story of a misanthropic-but-brilliant doctor, in the mold of Sherlock Holmes, solving medical mysteries with a team of young physicians, as told by the Teen Titans Go! version of Starfire.*

Actually, it's a movie starring Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler, and one of a couple of options I had in a clumsy and delayed attempt to be topical vis a vis the gambling scandals affecting professional sports in recent weeks. “Molly's Game,” based on the true story of an actual athlete caught up in illegal gambling, probably would have been a more fitting choice, but I felt like watching a comedy.

For the record, I have no interest in gambling, although I do love Kenny Rogers' classic song, “The Gambler.” When I invite people to join fantasy sports leagues and they ask how much it costs and how much we can win, I assure them it's for bragging rights only.

Biblical prohibitions against gambling aren't even the first thing I think of on the subject, although here's a Christian perspective on the rise in gambling if you're interested. If I'm spending money, I want something in return: a meal, a comic book, a memorable experience. I can enjoy sports just fine without money riding on my questionable ability to predict the outcome.

That's also not to say I've never dabbled, such as the occasional March Madness pool – but talk about areas in which I have little or no expertise! I did once win $2 in high school when I jokingly predicted a Final Four of 15- and 16-seeds and my friend said he would give me two bucks for each victory those teams actually registered. Heck, he said he would give me his car if one of them won the whole thing. He might have been briefly nervous after Coppin State upset South Carolina, but even if their Cinderella story had come true, I wouldn't have actually collected. I'd like to think it's because of my upstanding character, but no way would his parents have stood for that.

But, wait, this post is about (scrolls back to the top) “The House.”

Right. The concept is solid, even relatable, as a parent of children who will probably eventually want to go to college: Scott and Kate Johansen (Ferrell and Poehler) want to send their daughter Alex (Ryan Simpkins) to Bucknell University, but find themselves short on funds when their town council pulls the money for her scholarship in favor of a fancy new pool. After a trip to Las Vegas with their down-on-his-luck, gambling-addicted friend Frank (Mantzoukas), they come up with an idea to solve their problem: Since the house always wins, they should be the House.

So, they – well, Frank, really – turn Frank's house into an underground casino. Frank gets all the equipment, lays out the rules, comes up with who to invite and how to sneak them in. I assume the Johansens kicked in a little money, because otherwise I'm not sure what their initial contribution is.

It proves popular, and soon things escalate from table and card games to betting on fights between neighbors. Meanwhile, Alex is confused why her clingy, super-affectionate parents don't want to spend time with her before she leaves for college.

When a guy with ties to the actual criminal underworld gets caught counting cards, Frank and the Johansens have to send a message – and do so in emphatic, accidentally gory fashion.

Ferrell, Poehler and Mantzoukas are all predictably and amusingly odd, but things are never memorably absurd or heartfelt enough for the movie to find its footing. There are laughs, sure, such as Ferrell's tendency to shove Alex's friend Rachel (Jessie Ennis) in moments of panic. But Frank's quest to save his marriage is neither funny or believable enough to warrant any investment. And Ferrell's transformation into a violent enforcer is sporadic and not very entertaining beyond his initial fashion choices.

Kroll's appearance as a corrupt councilman seems like a halfhearted, convenient way to assure us the Johansens are not the villains of this piece. Jeremy Renner's cameo as an actual mobster was surprising, even though he's listed in the credits and visible on the back of the DVD box. His brief appearance is the height of absurdity for the movie but is quickly moved past for a more mundane climax.

The language is unnecessarily reliant on a particular word that rhymes with duck, but not particularly shocking or out of place in today's cinema.

I can't even get indignant about the Johansens' actions, the lack of consequences for them or the glorification of gambling. Nothing is serious or substantial enough to carry any kind of weight, which would be all right if the movie was funny enough to enjoy just for laughs. Gambling is another prop in a collection of moments of varying levels of humor, united by a script in which they happen. “The House” feels like the framework of a movie without any walls or furnishings.**

* - Now I kind of want to watch this? “Once again, they determined it was not the lupus.”

** - Probably should have gone with a gambling metaphor here. But I didn't.